Two weeks ago my father died.
Like many people, his stature or what we call personal brand, has improved since he passed away. That is an interesting topic to me – however suffice it to say that I think it is evidence of the predominance of goodness and optimism in humanity at large. We do have an enormous capacity to “let bygones be gone” and death actually seems to facilitate that.
Social media is a powerful, conscious tonic as well. Shane and I watched a breath-giving episode of pouringdown.tv by Daniel Liss last night, as I was mulling over what to say in this post. He too is moving forward from the stereotype of grief that has no place to go and has instead given it a home on the web. As art. As feeling. As voice. Unscripted. Just here. Now.
Shane and I created a web site for my dad, a really simple WordPress blog site, because they are easy to get up and manage, and people can begin interacting with it instantly. The site itself did not need any thing special because the photos and video of him, along with the comments and stories being contributed by his friends and family, have performed the near effortless task of bringing the man and the site to life.
It is a co-incidence that he worked in marketing and advertising. Frequent readers of this blog know I can be a bit hard on those professions, as I was on my Dad, because I am a lover of people, of truth, of respect, and authenticity. So really it makes sense that rather than me trying to tell the world about him (when in fact I went several years being out of touch), that instead I let others who knew him, define him as a man, and as a brand.
I have discovered parts if my dad I never knew. I have channeled sadness at losing his physical presence into my keyboard, being given back times ten by the site comments and dozens of private emails. I am making them all into a printed notebook for my mom to cherish. Did I say this was nearly effortless?
I am lucky because he was such an inspiring person. In being remembered, even colleagues with whom he clashed (seriously at times, for long periods of time) have come back and chosen to highlight the good times. I am lucky too because as a dad, with four daughters, he also knew how to be mean, too strict, and unforgiving to boyfriends and sometimes even husbands. I know he was willing to speak truth to power on the job, and at times paid heavily for that. But this site is a celebration of life, and being older, I understand the rubegeld – the gold of learning – that is reaped from life’s difficult moments.
He now has a resting place on the web. His legacy is defined in part by the page of facts we listed about him, but that page is dwarfed by the comments and stories. You can meet him and spend some time with him here: williampbenton.com.
How Easy Was This?
- We went to godaddy.com and purchased the web address. I would have preferred “Bill Benton” but his official name works just fine.
- We installed a copy of WordPress free blog software. It has all the features built in.
- I made a few pages, installed a free gallery plug-in, and uploaded some pictures.
- I made a page with funeral information, and update it in minutes as necessary.
- I started sending out emails and my mom and sisters mentioned the web site when calling to tell people about the news.
- I added an email list people could join to be notified of funeral arrangements.
The social web offered a space. The people came and shared. The brand lives on. My work is done. I hope you are enjoying it Dad!
You can follow and connect with Roxanne on 
You can follow and connect with Shane on 
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Hi Roxanne,
Very sorry for your loss.
What a wonderful tribute, and also what a great experience it must be to now see your Dad through the eyes and hearts of others who knew him.
I lost a couple of dear friends in the last few years, and the first thing I did was write down stories of us, our experiences together, humorous accounts, adventures—things their families would never have known, but would enjoy hearing. That was more important than flowers or anything else. I shared those anecdotes on printed paper, photos and videos. Your approach takes it a step further, and not only gives people an opportunity to share stories and feelings about your Dad with you and your loved ones, but it also affords everyone an opportunity to help each other grieve through sharing with one another on the blog.
You’re a good daughter. Your Dad must’ve been very proud.
Sincerely,
Dave Cynkin
Co-Founder, CMO, Sleep Deprivationist & Thrill Seeker
BlogWorld & New Media Expo
Personal brand….image…..stature…...character.
I’ve given just a little thought to these things lately because I’m reaching a milestone birthday and have come to accept my infertility. Instead of children, my legacy will be the relationships I nurture. Unfortunately, I can often be more task-oriented than people-oriented. So I am mindful of that tendency and gently bring my focus back when it wanders. Not to say there aren’t times when I must knuckle down and tackle that to-do list! But based on what I see of Beachwalks, Rox, I know you ‘get it.’
Thanks for sharing and encouraging me to share!
Rox-
Lost my dad 9 years ago. He was my best friend. I think about him almost everyday. I made a similar website which I asked friends and family to send me stories. They were so funny and gave you a feel (like williampbenton.com.) of what kind of a person he was. The owners of my old company who was pretty great to me during the time he was sick with cancer while my new beautiful wife and I took care of him in a hospice situation unfortunately turned sour. I left and started my own company and they had hurt feelings. They offered to host the site and when i left the company I recently found out they had pulled the tribute site. Kinda petty, but its business I guess.
So I need to build a new one for him.
Thank you for sharing this post and showing me your fathers site. You and Shane constantly amaze me.
I really didnt know what to post here. But I wanted to post something, and I do know what you are going/went through and you have so much love in your life as I do. We are really lucky.
Your friend,
Mike
@Dave Cynkin I found this quote when I did a Beach Walks episode last year when my Uncle Harry died.
“We understand death for the first time when he puts his hand upon one whom we love.” Madame de Stael
It is of course universal but only meaningful when it becomes personal. I am learning that what you did (and Mike McAllen and others) is one of the most powerful ways to celebrate a life, and life.
@Katie – I too never had children (though not for lack of trying!!) and have come to love my life, being able to serve as Auntie to so many literal nieces and nephews and then friends children (like Kaile, who you know from Beach Walks). If having children is about sharing love with others then the opportunities are boundless!
As for being a task-master, count me in too. I wondered if anyone would be offended even that I wrote this post so close to his death but talking about business and even adding a howto at the end.
For me, all of this, including the social web, is part of what makes life such a rich and enriching experience in these times.
@Mike McAllen – I am sorry they did not give you a copy of the site, tho knowing first hand how messy servers can get, maybe some IT guy deleted it without really knowing??? (ever the optimist…) I’ve wondered in passing how long to leave this one up and decided that is something to decide much much later.
I too often don’t know what to say in death. I feel waves of sadness but they are the energy of the moment and are not a persistent dark cloud. I believe without a doubt we choose to come here, we come many times, and that we are connected still though in different ways.
What a question, “When is it OK to unfriend the dead?” I think it’s personal. I haven’t deleted my Dad’s vCard yet, I leave it there for sentimental value to be sure.
On the topic of the un-updated accounts, I wonder how much is due to access issues? Makes me wonder about leaving a “when I die” list with all my network profiles and login credentials – if I could even remember them all! I think I will propose a few ideas to a few colleagues who run http://chi.mp. Seems that the aggregator sites/openId sites are the first place to turn to build in a feature set “in the case of death.”
This comment was originally posted on The Entroporium